There are destructive myths and beliefs that so many of us live by when it comes to both our sexuality and our aging process. There are also cultural and societal influences that work against women experiencing their erotic potential - especially as we age. Our society is youth-obsessed and nobody feels that more than aging women.
This is by no means a comprehensive list because the topics are, individually, so complex. These are the Top 10 that I feel, as a Women’s Empowerment Coach and a 55-year-old post-menopausal woman, are the most important. I’ve put this list together to offer new perspectives and a more positive path to experiencing your Self, your sexuality and your own aging process with compassion.
1. Almost half of the women in the US are sexually unsatisfied.
Women deserve to experience pleasure. Research shows that 25-50% of women in the U.S. experience low desire or arousal, difficulty reaching orgasm or sexual pain. This shows a significant pleasure gap between men and women. When women disconnect from their sexual energy, they disconnect from a vital life force energy that helps fuel creativity and bolsters good health. Better sex education, honest communication, an authentic sense of self-worth and a desire to explore and feel pleasure are all part of the solution.
Have you begun to feel the door close on your own sexual energy?
2. Women don’t give themselves permission to feel pleasure.
Whether it’s sexual pleasure that is offered to you by a partner or self-pleasure - there’s that pesky pleasure gap again. As you age, you may not realize the toll it takes on your emotional, physical and spiritual health and wellness when you cut yourself off from sexual (or sensual) pleasure entirely. Connecting with sources of pleasure in your body is a great way to start but if you won’t give yourself the permission emotionally, it’s more challenging to reach it physically.
Do you truly give yourself the permission to experience your erotic, pleasure-filled potential?
3. Women think their sexual energy decreases after menopause.
It’s a belief that blocks creativity and can lead to depression. A woman’s sexual energy can INCREASE as she ages. With the right context and attention, pace and presence, women who are menopausal and beyond can have thriving sexual health. The health of your intimate relationships has a much bigger impact on your sexual functioning than your stage of life.
How’s the health of your relationship?
4. The #1 predictor of maintaining healthy libido for women after menopause is finding a new sexual partner.
Mic drop. Not looking to make such a drastic change? This means that you and/or your partner need to BECOME that new sexual partner. Our sexual and sensual selves need variety. Creativity is key.
What can YOU do differently that might spice things up? What would you like your partner to do differently?
5. Your brain is your largest sex organ.
How women think about themselves and their bodies matters. Relating to your aging body with respect, curiosity, compassion, and love will go a lot farther than fear, neglect, anger, and shame. Noticing your critical inner voice matters. You need to understand what that voice is REALLY SAYING and WHO it is. Often that inner critic is actually someone else’s voice that lodged itself into your body/mind a long time ago and is working overtime to keep you safe (although it probably doesn’t feel that way.) Attempting to banish the inner voice doesn’t work. Often, she comes back stronger. The key is to get curious about what she’s really saying and what she thinks she’s protecting you from. Eventually, replacing the inner critic with a more loving voice is part of the process towards better sexual health and wellness.
What role does your inner critic play when it comes to your sexuality & aging?
6. Communication before fornication.
Talking to your partner about your deepest desires is scary no matter how long you’ve been together. It takes vulnerability and strength to speak your truth. Yet communicating effectively with your partner is one of the keys to getting your needs met. Our partners can’t read our minds - or our bodies. And most people haven’t been to love-making school. Over time, couples create sexual habits, leaving our bodies to yawn their way into hibernation. When you know what you want and can find the courage and clarity to express your needs, the possibilities for greater pleasure open up immensely.
What would you like to express that you’ve been holding back from saying?
7. Expand your definition of sex.
Especially as you age. Due to a drop in estrogen, intercourse can feel painful. Less estrogen causes your vaginal wall to thin out and create less natural lubrication. Yes, lubrication is key to reducing pain, but let’s be clear: only 25% of all women, regardless of age, have orgasms during intercourse. Be curious about finding other ways to locate the multiple erotic pleasure centers in your body. An aging body has just as many yummy spots as a younger body. It may take longer to wake up your body if you’ve been hibernating! Be patient and kind to yourself and seek ways to build curiosity around sensation and arousal, intimacy, and vulnerability. And don’t stop French kissing!
What sensation do you absolutely LOVE on your body?
8. Sleep matters for healthy sex.
When we don’t get enough sleep it impacts our hormone levels, our emotional resilience and irritability, and ultimately, our sexual functioning. Addressing poor sleep issues can make a big difference in the bedroom. Get your hormone levels checked and make sure you are sleeping enough.
What one thing can you do to improve your sleep?
9. Breath is one of the secret tools in your sexual toolkit.
In general, we hold our breath too much. That creates a contraction in our pelvis and our energy flow in general. Using your breath, and increasing the volume and pace, can be an effective and natural way to enhance arousal and add lubrication in all of your most erogenous spots.
What do you notice about your breath when you begin to get aroused?
10. Women need DESIRE before arousal.
This is not age-specific but it becomes even more important as we age; desire can wane when there is no spontaneity or variety. Low desire might actually be a healthy response to bad sex and poor relational connection. Satisfying sex for most women is not solely about what happens physically. Don’t get me wrong - we long for it to be physically satisfying and blissfully erotic. And we deserve that bliss. In addition to physical pleasure, women seek emotional intimacy, depth of presence, and vulnerability from all involved.
Are you hungry for the spiritual connection you can create when intimacy, arousal and sensation are at full throttle? Do you know what you desire?
Let’s connect!
Curious about how to incorporate these strategies into your own life?
Email me at kirahower@gmail.com to schedule a complimentary, 20 minute, Initial Consult.
In this call, we’ll cover:
● Your desires for your sexual health and wellbeing
● Your biggest obstacle or challenge currently
● My coaching process to determine if we might be a good fit to work together
It’s time to finally have the intimate life you’ve dreamed of, and claim the pleasure that is your birthright.
About Kira:
Kira Hower has been a Women’s Empowerment Coach for 20 years. She works with women on challenges from the boardroom to the bedroom, specializing in Women’s Leadership, Female Sexuality, and Life Transitions.
She is a Certified VITA™ Sex, Love, and Relationships Coach and received her M.Ed. from Harvard University. She helps women create lives filled with passion, purpose, pleasure, and play.
What Clients Say:
“Kira had the skills to help me connect my mind with my body; celebrate what makes me strong and unique; and, most importantly, create the space to see the abundance of opportunities that are available to me.” - Andi
“Working with Kira has been a great gift to me. Her body-centered approach combined with her keen attention and open heart make for a winning ticket. Kira exudes a natural radiance that is healing in itself.” - Margaret
“The combination of our conversations and the resources Kira offered have made a huge impact on our marriage. Our communication, connection and intimacy has never been better and the sex is the best we've had in 20 years!” - Susan